The joy
The most important thing to know is that it does come back.
Hard to believe when you're nine months into a very black hole.
'Time is a healer' is just about the worst thing anyone can say after someone dies, but actually, it is.
It doesn't change it or make it better or make it go away, but it does help.
It took me a while to realise this. And of course we went on to have another baby, and that changes things. It didn't immediately lift though, the black cloud, when we had another baby. It probably took until December (2012) for me to feel a sudden shift, a true sense of hope and lightness. *
The darkest time was definitely January 2012. I've never felt so low or lethargic or plain sad. I remember speaking to our wonderful bereavement counsellor/ psychotherapist, and him helping me realise that this nothingness, this complete and utter giving-in-ness, was the beginnings of acceptance. I had no fight left in me to feel angry, or sad or anything. Just nothingness.
And he was right. Shortly after that phonecall, things started to improve, moments of acceptance started to become larger and longer than other emotions.
I can't tell you how hard it is to believe there will be brighter days ahead when things are so black. All I can offer now is to try as hard as you can to believe the cloud WILL lift at SOME point even if you don't know how or when, just keeping believing is enough, because, it will.
The other interesting thing that's happened for me is that I wasn't quite sure why people had children. Even when I first became pregnant with Eliza, I wasn't sure I wanted to bring a child into this complicated world. Since losing Eliza and feeling all that I've felt, and becoming more human, I have a much greater capacity for joy. I take joy in the smallest of things and feel freed up to enjoy life, fully, the good bits and the bad.**
* Interestingly, we went on to have another baby in February 2014, a little girl. And guess what? There's was a black hole there too - I found my way in, and I found my way out. I'm sitting now, in March 2015 with peace in my heart.
** This feeling grows and grows. It comes now, not just from losing Eliza and our journey since then, but from my whole life journey and the deeper understanding I am gaining about the Principles behind our human experience.
Hard to believe when you're nine months into a very black hole.
'Time is a healer' is just about the worst thing anyone can say after someone dies, but actually, it is.
It doesn't change it or make it better or make it go away, but it does help.
It took me a while to realise this. And of course we went on to have another baby, and that changes things. It didn't immediately lift though, the black cloud, when we had another baby. It probably took until December (2012) for me to feel a sudden shift, a true sense of hope and lightness. *
The darkest time was definitely January 2012. I've never felt so low or lethargic or plain sad. I remember speaking to our wonderful bereavement counsellor/ psychotherapist, and him helping me realise that this nothingness, this complete and utter giving-in-ness, was the beginnings of acceptance. I had no fight left in me to feel angry, or sad or anything. Just nothingness.
And he was right. Shortly after that phonecall, things started to improve, moments of acceptance started to become larger and longer than other emotions.
I can't tell you how hard it is to believe there will be brighter days ahead when things are so black. All I can offer now is to try as hard as you can to believe the cloud WILL lift at SOME point even if you don't know how or when, just keeping believing is enough, because, it will.
The other interesting thing that's happened for me is that I wasn't quite sure why people had children. Even when I first became pregnant with Eliza, I wasn't sure I wanted to bring a child into this complicated world. Since losing Eliza and feeling all that I've felt, and becoming more human, I have a much greater capacity for joy. I take joy in the smallest of things and feel freed up to enjoy life, fully, the good bits and the bad.**
* Interestingly, we went on to have another baby in February 2014, a little girl. And guess what? There's was a black hole there too - I found my way in, and I found my way out. I'm sitting now, in March 2015 with peace in my heart.
** This feeling grows and grows. It comes now, not just from losing Eliza and our journey since then, but from my whole life journey and the deeper understanding I am gaining about the Principles behind our human experience.